Holding cups.
Conversations about art.
No one knew that my mother was still trying to endure the suffering of others.
“Okay,” I said.
Mr. Johnson paused.
“Tracy,” he added, “your father asked to speak with me.”
I felt a knot in my stomach.
« What did he say? »
“He asked if you would ever meet with him alone,” Mr. Johnson replied.
I stared at the theater lights.
Only my father.
No, Nicole.
No, Susan.
No, Chris.
Only him.
The man who fired me.
The man who introduced me seemed to be warning me.
The man who looked at my ambitions and called them stupid.
I swallowed hard.
“I’ll think about it,” I said.
Mr. Johnson’s voice softened slightly.
“That’s all I’m asking for,” he replied.
When I handed the phone back to Fern, she watched my face.
“You don’t have to meet with him,” she reminded him.
“I know,” I said.
Beatrice came closer.
“You can be human,” she said.
I laughed quietly.
“That’s what they used against me,” I replied.
Beatrice’s eyes narrowed.
“Then don’t confuse humanity with access,” she said.
This line has arrived.
Because it was a trap.
Thinking that compassion requires me to reopen the door.
No, no.
In June I agreed to meet my father.
Not in my office.
Not at his house.
There is no trace of the old power anywhere.
I chose a public cafe near the river.
Neutral ground.
Fern was sitting at a table by the window, reading a book and pretending not to listen.
Beatrice didn’t come.
Mr. Johnson didn’t come.
This was not legal.
It was personal.
My father arrived ten minutes early.
He stood up when I entered.
His suit was slightly wrinkled.
His hair became more gray.
His eyes—those eyes that once looked over my head as if I were just a backdrop—were still focused on me.
“Tracy,” he said.
I nodded.
“Dad,” I replied.
We sat down.
The barista behind the counter took the order.
The smell of coffee hung in the air.
My father’s hands were folded on the table.
His fingers were trembling slightly.
I waited.
He was the one who asked.
He’s the one who came.
He should speak first.
He cleared his throat.
“I don’t know how to start,” he said.
I looked at him.
“You can start with the truth,” I replied.
He clenched his jaw.
He nodded.
“True,” he repeated.
He took a deep breath.
“I didn’t believe you,” he admitted.
The words were simple.
But they lived their whole lives.
« I didn’t believe you could do it, » he continued. « Not because you weren’t smart. You always were smart. But because… I had an image of who you were supposed to be. »
I looked into his eyes.
“And who was I supposed to be?” I asked.
He pursed his lips.
“Safe,” he said.
This word surprised me.
He continued quickly.
« Good job. Good person. Quiet life. Nothing to embarrass us. Nothing to… question our way of life. »
I felt something cold and pure settle inside me.
“So you tried to limit me,” I said.
He shuddered.
“I didn’t think about it that way,” he said.
“Of course not,” I replied. “People rarely call their control what it is.”
He swallowed.
“I’m not here to argue,” he said. “I’m here to say I was wrong.”
The noise in the cafe around me subsided.
Not literally.
But inside.
Evil.
It was a word I had been waiting for for years.
I was in no hurry to make this decision.
I did not reward him with comfort.
I just let it be.
My father’s eyes lit up.
“When your mother and Nicole came to me with this idea,” he said quietly, “I didn’t stop them.”
I felt a tightness in my chest.
“You supported them,” I said.
He looked down.
“I nodded,” he whispered. “I nodded because it was easier than standing.”
I looked at him.
“And when did you see what they were doing?”
He closed his eyes.
« I told myself it would work out, » he admitted. « That you would give up. That everything would go back to normal. »
Normal.
Old world.
The one where I was the harmless daughter.
The one where Nicole was the star.
The one where the image of my parents remained intact.
I let out my breath slowly.
“Dad,” I said, “normal never meant healthy.”
He nodded.
“I know it now,” he whispered.
For a moment I saw before my eyes a man who had spent his whole life confusing authority with love.
And I hated the part of me that felt compassion.
Not because compassion was a bad thing.
Because compassion was the door they always used.
My father’s voice broke.
“Your mother wants to see you,” he said.
I didn’t answer.
He hurried.
“Not to ask for anything,” he added quickly. “She just… wants to look at you. As if… as if she’s missing something.”
I looked at him.
“She didn’t miss anything,” I said quietly. “She just chose not to notice.”
He shuddered.
“I know,” he said.
I took a deep breath.
“Dad,” I said, “what do you want from me?”
He blinked.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I want to fix it. And I know I can’t.”
It was the closest he had ever been to honesty.
I nodded.
“It can’t be fixed,” I agreed.
He swallowed.
“So what can I do?” he asked.
I looked at him.
“Respect the boundary,” I said. “Stop trying to manage my emotions. Stop negotiating access. If you want to be different, be different without demanding immediate gratification.”
His eyes filled with tears.
“I don’t deserve forgiveness,” he whispered.
NO.
No, he didn’t.
But I didn’t say that.
Because I wasn’t there to punish.
I was there to make everything clear.
“Forgiveness isn’t a transaction,” I said. “You have to earn trust, if that’s even possible. And that takes time.”
He nodded, tears streaming down his cheeks.
“I understand,” he said.
We sat in silence for a moment.
Then my father reached into his coat pocket and pulled out something small.
A folded piece of paper.
He put it on the table.
“What is this?” I asked.
He swallowed.
“Your first business plan,” he said.
My heart stopped.
“Co?”
He nodded.
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